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Author Topic: Meditation, Psychosis, Szchz, Genes  (Read 109 times)

Offline jasonpabon2002

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Meditation, Psychosis, Szchz, Genes
« on: September 11, 2019, 01:16:31 PM »
Hey everybody. I feel the need to rant because the niagara event is coming up and I would love to have your guy's feedback. I deal with a lot of anxiety, intrusive thoughts. I'm trying to be honest as possible while tell you guys this as my ego is always trying to hide my failures, mistakes, and hidden emotions aka my true self. I grew up very quit, shy, introverted, and isolated myself a lot in my house. I never pushed myself outside my comfort zone, & I lacked in social engagement in people in general. At the start of 9th grade, my battle with anxiety and depression began. I became a mute until all through 9th, 10th grade. I barely talked and was so afraid to be myself and express myself around others. I had such bad social anxiety. & that programming overtime caused me to have such emotional layers of insecurity, anxiety, and such uncomfortable emotions. & when now that I'm diving into the meditation work of Dr. Joe, all these things about myself I never knew are coming up. I feel like i'm going crazy sometimes. Mabye it's jsut because im going against all my genes that are based on survival? I'm not psychosis or crazy, I know I'm not. But these programs I never knew existed keep coming up, and that make it seem like I am. Very negative programming about myself. I'm not saying this from a victim standpoint, but as a reason why these programs are here first. Back in 2018, I dropped out of high school after the first couple days because my anxiety was so high. I ended up going back to school a month and a half later. During the time that I was out of school, I found Dr. Joe on a podcast from impact theory. When I heard it, I was mind blowned. Dr. Joe was explaining exactly what was wrong with me. So, i found his book BTHOBY at barnes and noble one day. I got inspired and went back to school because of his podcast. Now going back to school, I wasn't in actual school, i went to an alternative school inside the school where I did online school inside the school. I met this one girl named Katie, and we talked for awhile. I fell in love with this girl at first sight. I just knew she would have an impact on my life. So, we talked for a month or so and went on 1 date together. The date was terrible becasue I was so scared of her because I was a boy back then. I was insecure, full of fear, and just did not know what to do. Fast forward, she ended up flirting with my friend and we stopped talking. We ended up smoking weed in february together and she broke my heart that night. Throughout this thing with this girl, I had a weak mindset. I thought this girl liked me a lot, but did not realize the reality of the way I was acting and behaving (insecure, weak). She said I made her really uncomfortable, and I got depressed after that night because I made someone feel uncomfortable. But, becasue of that night, I evolved so much. Because of that heartbreak, I grew as a man and changed myself so much and in my meditations. I really started to connect after that heartbreak, and I eventually moved on from her. But, I guess I was not over her mentally. Because God sent her back into my life this June. We didn't talk for a period of like 4 months, & she ends up showing up at my job. She got a job where I worked and we ended up going on 2 dates together this past summer. She said she missed me and that she was sorry for everything because she didn't know what she wanted and did not love herself back then. The dates went okay, and we ended up making out on the 2nd date. Ever since then though, we haven't talked. I again got so scared of her. I was scared to commit to her again. So i ignored her at work, and therefore becasue I ignored her, she gave up on me and quit her job a couple weeks ago. I lost an opportunity with a beautiful girl. But, here's the thing. I'm obssessed with this girl becasue she's the only girl I have had real feelings for. She told me she's a slut, and I know she is. But, I keep wanting to go back to her so much because I miss her. It's like I messed up back in 11th grade, we don't talk for a period of 4 months, and then all of a sudden she shows up at my job!? Then I mess up again, and she leaves again. Now, I don't know if i should try to get back with her after the trip. We were never a couple, but my ego keeps thinking we are meant to be together. I never was myself around her, I was scared. I want to go back to her after the niagara trip because I want her to see the real me, not the old self me. But, at the same time, I think i'm just scared to let her go and live in the unknown without her. She said she really liked me, but wanted to take things slow. I was down to do that, but after we hung out and made out, I chased her like a boy. So she ran off, and now she quit. I do not want to change myself for this girl, I know that's not healthy. But i want to change myself for me. I want to be a man who is confident in himself and feels worthy to express himself around others. & be myself around her. I just want one more opportunity after the trip to go out with her again, as I feel she would want too. But, dr joe says to not use feelings as the barometer for the unknown, as that is contraindicated. I just want to see who I am after the trip. Because I really want to change and live in the unknown after the trip, and ask her out when I get back. I just feel like I have no confidence in myself and no self esteem. Like having a conversation with someone is so hard for me, and especially talking to a girl is very hard. I just want to be free from my past, and live in the unknown.

Offline Walk in Beauty

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Re: Meditation, Psychosis, Szchz, Genes
« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2019, 09:32:42 PM »
Well, you sound like a lot like most of the people I’ve known experiencing growing up, including me. And boy would I have loved to have found Dr Joe at your age!

There is going to come a time when you look back at this girl as one of several friends who helped you gain experience. It takes a lot of trial and errors when it comes to social and dating skills. Illustrating this is a conversation I had with my 31 year old son. I told him I was very impressed with his latest partner, a smart, funny, ambitious young woman. He told me, “If I had known Jenna was in my future I wouldn’t have bothered going through all of those bad experiences with other girls, and feeling frustrated that I couldn’t find anyone to date.” 

I told him, “ But you needed to go through all of that.... to learn how to be a good boyfriend, to know what you didn’t want to put up with ever again, and especially when you spent time alone because it was so much easier and pleasanter than being with some of those girls.”

Dr Joe is going to help you be comfortable in your own skin Jason. Meditation is going to help you face what is wrong in your life and show you the path to the person you want to become and the amazing future that is waiting for you. There are a whole string of romantic partners in your future, each one will teach you some things you never knew about yourself. And when you have gained the wisdom to accept yourself, love yourself unconditionally and are totally comfortable with being you... that’s about the time you become very attractive to very nice girls who want a drama free companion that is loads of fun and easy to spend time with.
Walk in Beauty 💫

Offline jasonpabon2002

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Re: Meditation, Psychosis, Szchz, Genes
« Reply #2 on: September 12, 2019, 05:54:36 PM »
Thanks for replying. I've been asking God in my meditations if I should keep this girl in my life, or should I let her go. My gut says to let her go and step into the unknown and if she is meant to be as a friend or whatever she will be. I don't see her at school as she dropped out, & she quit at my workplace, so God has given me what i asked for, which is freedom from my past. In my meditations ever since she came back into my life, my intention was to be free and surrender my past (her) to God and resolve it in a way that is  right for me. She ends up leaving my job which means that her leaving was the best thing for me and her. I agree I will look back at this and be grateful for what it taught me, it is just hard not knowing whether to keep her on my mind or not, but I feel God is telling me through my gut to let her go and be free.

Offline Kathy

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Re: Meditation, Psychosis, Szchz, Genes
« Reply #3 on: September 13, 2019, 06:23:38 PM »
My gut says to let her go and step into the unknown and if she is meant to be as a friend or whatever she will be....She ends up leaving my job which means that her leaving was the best thing for me and her. I agree I will look back at this and be grateful for what it taught me, it is just hard not knowing whether to keep her on my mind or not, but I feel God is telling me through my gut to let her go and be free.

Bingo! I personally feel that just by allowing yourself to "rant" and get all this stuff out is helping you with the process of "releasing" - both yourself (from the ego part of you that was trying to hold on) AND her!

I'm a big believer in paying attention to gut feelings (as long as you can discern that they are GUT feelings, and not the ego).

Also, you said something that I think is important:
Quote
I don't see her at school as she dropped out, & she quit at my workplace, so God has given me what i asked for, which is freedom from my past. In my meditations ever since she came back into my life, my intention was to be free and surrender my past (her) to God and resolve it in a way that is  right for me. She ends up leaving my job which means that her leaving was the best thing for me and her.

You're doing a great job with this!

I used to work with students with regards to career choices, and one of the things we used to talk about a lot - and which I am CONSTANTLY being reminded about in my own life - especially lately - is that with every choice we make comes a result - or "consequence" of that choice. But the cool thing is that with every "consequence" or "result" comes another opportunity to make another choice. And, we can always refine our intentions for our life.

When we choose an intention, something that has become really clear to me personally is that we need to be prepared to accept the results of that intention coming to fruition. It's one of the reasons, I think, why we need to be cautious against trying to figure out or dictate the "how" something is going to happen.

And you allowed the Universe to figure the "how" in this case without "pushing" things.

In any case, I think you have been making fabulous progress!

Keep up the wonderful work!

PS: I agree w/ Walk in Beauty - wow... to have found Dr. Joe at your age. What a blessing!
« Last Edit: September 13, 2019, 06:30:45 PM by Kathy »